Years of asking the same questions finally escalated a few days ago with me being unable to do anything at all due to insufficient answers. "Why does it matter? What is the point? What is the reason?"
I caved, there on the ground, beyond all shame for my years-long dilemma. I couldn't even pretend any more. The mask had just sort of fallen off. Years of battling what I was doing with a reason and purpose. Years of trying to twist every act and commitment into a reason for doing so.
Shame behind me, I picked myself up off the floor. "Where are you going?" the boy asked. "To pursue God."
I went out the back, and I spent a few moments pacing the concrete, gazing from sky to trees to sky, and then I remember mulling over the fact that it was like there was something in front of me, blocking me. Then I became aware of where I'd found myself standing: this red brick wall right in front of me.
I can't move it, I said.
I know, Papa said. But I can. I'll dismantle this wall, brick by brick.
I took a step backward, and I looked up at sky, and acknowledged the thought in my head; I'd been contemplating doing something, and had internally asked, will it give me purpose?
And then, clear, a voice sounded: But what if who you are is purposeful?
These simple words rushed into me like a waterfall and they gushed out the fear and doubt.
All these years, I'd been attempting to derive meaning and purpose for myself --
and He'd spoke and I was freed from my fear and shame about who I was and what I was doing.
That was a few days ago and I'd been enjoying the ease and peace that I'd had ever since hearing those words. But, then, today, I started to doubt. Which made me worry. I started worrying I was slipping away from Papa again and that depression would wash in like a tidal wave and just when everything was starting to get better -- would it just fall apart again?
I've been reminded of a greater truth that I'd forgotten, that I used to keep close in my soul. It's from the book of James, in chapter two, and it goes like this:
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.
I'm reminded of Peter, when he stepped out of the boat onto the wild roaring ocean waters, and walked toward Jesus. When he started to sink into raging waters. How He drew him out. Asks him why he doubts.
After all the storms,
all the dark,
all the healing,
all morning's rising's --
we find ourselves in another storm...
fix my eyes on You.