7.3.17

i don't want to accept God's enough because i want to be important enough to make my own enough. 

i want to do something important. i don't want to be where i am today, and i don't want to be where i'm supposed to be tomorrow. i want to be in important places doing important things. 

i forgot how the important thing is being in the unimportant place i am today with the people that are also here. me refusing to be present is me refusing to be intimate with God; me refusing to be present in the lowly place i am today with the people here, is me refusing the most important thing there is: intimacy with God. 

i've got it in my head that there are people out there doing things that matter, in places where they need to be. i've forgot that them doing things that matter in places where they need to be - is simply them being present with the people around them, wherever they are. 

i'll be content nowhere and nowhere will be important enough, not even my greatest idealized fantasies. i'll never save the world through something good if i choose to focus on the imaginary above the real before me today. the real before me today is the only place i was made for - there is no living out of a fantasy. i'm always wanting something else, something more - i'm not happy here? i despair where i'll be tomorrow? 

i said today that i'm feeling depressed - when what i am is discontent? when i want to make myself enough because i want to deem myself as important enough and what i need to accept is that: i am not important, and there is no place i can go that will make me more important, 

and i need to accept that i cannot make my own enough. i leave everyday wishing i'd been more, given more, achieved more, succeeded more, loved more. 

i leave everyday regretting that i'd been there. 

the fading cross on my wrist, i'd said it stood for the choice to stay here and suffer for love. i forgot what that meant. for awhile the present was the only place i could bear to be because the loss i'd suffered destroyed all the hopes that lived in my daydreams. but now the daydreams all woke up again and the present is the place i avoid, and it's all to my detriment, 

and could i admit it at all? that i can't be enough? that i'm not important? that what is important is choosing to stay present and be with the people who are here. that nothing else counts because intimacy with God is what we were made for - this is the plan God has for us - and intimacy with God only happens here. it doesn't happen in my escapism, in my self-importance. intimacy with God only happens in my acceptance of the present. 

would i accept his enough - accept my own unimportance?

would i? 
would i?

would i stop fighting to make my own enough? 
would i admit that enough has already been made? and my acceptance is choosing present-ce?  

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