And I was sitting on the trampoline, my way-too-big I Love Todd t-shirt taking up practically the whole tramp. The sun's rolling in with the moving seasons and I lay on my back and gazed at the sky, cloudless and that pure blue that only comes in sky. Remembering some place hidden in my consience words I'd read that morning in Timothy or someplace, push on, keep going, don't give up.
And it flew on in like a blessing, it's not about the circumstances, what I feel, how I think.
It's being renewed in my mind, have my heart transformed that I may see how Jesus does.
Not relying on circumstances and feelings and thoughts and people -- relying on Christ.
"A miracle, Jesus, I need a miracle."
Because I can't transform my heart, my mind. Haven't I tried?
I'm walking around in this dead body, this old life. Seeing with the same old eyes. I have to die to it.
And I picked up my Bible and I opened it, my heart praying for Truth. And I found myself in Isaiah, Isaiah fifty seven and it said this:
A Message from the high and towering God,
who lives in Eternity,
whose name is Holy:
"I live in the high and holy places,
but also with the low-spirited, the spirit-crushed,
And what I do is put a new spirit in them,
And my day, I ate a chocolate-covered custard donut that was still half frozen so that I could dip my finger in and eat it and oh was it delicious.
I didn't have to do my essay because the computers were having problems so I plopped myself down on those ever-so-comfy library lounge chairs and read a book about a character who rather reminded me of myself.
And we sat on the grass for a bit and I even did a little schoolwork.
What am I doing with all these expectations I'm clutching ever so tight?! Let them go.
I can try and be a good person and miserably fail and end up on my knees before Jesus every single time, twelve times in a day, a whole thousand times. And I can suck it up and give up and lose and hate every moment of it and never understand the point of it all.
I want to see like You see.
I want a heart like Yours.
A mind like you have.
Oh by Your grace, please.