it is less than nothing: it is me

I sound like Wheezy on ToyStory when he's sitting on that dusty shelf right before Woody gets taken from the yard sale -- oops, spoiler right there, sorry -- when I breathe. I guess I have a bit of a cold. 

The last post I wrote.  Well these here are more thoughts I've had the past few days, Light that has stumbled in front of me. 

all around me swirl the ashes of my broken life
grey transparent flickers of dust falling on the ground
they cascade over me, a growing lying heap

Today I read Kisses from Katie. I read it for hours and hours, on the couch by the fire, outside in the wind-whipping cold. 

I was sitting there on the couch, my little brother put some more wood on the fire. He walked off, and I moved slightly, and as I did so, noticed something falling: ashes. Ashes, falling around me. 

A pile of ashes. This is what I have to give to Jesus. It is less than nothing. It is me. 

"Picnics on the hills, 
nobody hungry, nobody thirsty,
shade from the sun, shelter from the wind,
for the Compassionate One guides them,
takes them to all the best springs...
For I have written your names on the backs of my hands."

I realized today that I wouldn't be willing to die like Jesus did. I'm so big a coward that I fear giving up any kind of life, I don't live any kind of relentless loving...the Bible says that faith isn't something measured, it simply is. And I suppose cowardice is the same. Yet You are bigger than my fear and my inadequacy. 
I'm glad You glorify Yourself through cowards like me, despite everything. 

"Seek God while He's here to be found, pray to Him while He is close at hand. Let the wicked (that's me) abandon their ways of life and the evil (me again...) their way of thinking. Let them come back to God, who is merciful, come back to our God, who is lavish with forgiveness." Isaiah 55:7

I know nothing. 
The mound of ashes that is me... crucified with You on the tree. 
Galatians 2:20.
I know nothing. But Jesus, and Him  crucified. 

My prayer is that I will depend solely on You Jesus. 
Love is here, it is now. 
Love one another with all we have: that's not something to be afraid of at all. Your face is in it. 

In Jonah, God told the people that they must change their lives and serve Him. They did. 
I want to do that, God. Really, in the True, Hard, Faith kind of way. I want to give it up to You, these ashes... by the foot of the cross. 

Here I am... I am seeking God, the Creator of everything. He died so I could live with Him in Heaven. So I die, give my life, because that's how I love You, by loving the people here. Lead me, guide me.  I lean on You. I know nothing.

We're all strangers in this place, wanderers, and You draw us together with one another and we are blessed to give another what we have. Regardless of absolutely anything. It's high time we let go, huh? Of this life I cling to. Of this comfort and complaining about having stir fry again, of being afraid to love the people around us because of whatever reason. We're called. We're called to give up our lives.  This place, A Holy Experience, and this book, Kisses from Katie. And what Jesus said, Give up your life. 

"Be gentle with each other." 

The cross. 
It's where I give it up. 

Unspoken, Who you Are
Lincoln Brewster, The Power of Your Name
Chris and Conrad, Lead me to the Cross
Matthew West, Only Grace

Only Grace. 
Loving people is showing people Jesus, showing people that Jesus loves them. People having Jesus is what matters, so we must give up our lives to them so they know Him, His love. 
Because when we die we will see that loving Jesus and giving up our lives to Him for others is the only thing that matters. 

Our insufficiencies  anxieties, incapabilities; these are not big problems but ways in which God will glorify Himself. I must simply surrender them to Him. Know that I have nothing, am nothing, know nothing: and am saved by grace. 

Wholly and completely. 

I am saved by grace.
You are saved by grace. 
By grace we are saved, with grace we must live. 

Jesus promised us something. That when we give up our lives, we will find life given back. Not just merely given back, but with 'bonus and blessing'; with joy and peace. The real, legit, lasting sort. Eternal. 

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