honesty, if that's a fruit of the spirit then maybe it's time we embraced it.

honest. authentic. genuine. i guess this has been pounding on the back of my head all day long and i just refused to acknowledge it.

i mean, the things i say, the things i do. i try so hard to be who i think people want to me to be. i think i'm better than people. i've decided that i know everything. i say hurtful things, that that are, what, supposed to make me feel better about myself? because they don't. i try to make everything work out all fine and dandy but you know what, it turns out that 'everything you want' is really nothing, what CS Lewis said is so, sadly, i guess, true:

Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in.”

 "I'm expecting to find fulfilment, all I’ve gotten is emptiness and exhaustion. I feel like more than a disappointment, I feel like a failure. It’s like I can’t cry, and I don’t know what to channel my problems into so they just sit here, bubbling on the surface."
Matthew 10:39,
If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it.

what happened to, 
i know nothing. 
forget about myself. 
i want galations 5:22-23 to be real. not how it is now, verses 19-21. 

oh dear Jesus. 

can You live truth in me. 

we don't have to 

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