15.10.12

sad truth


the sad truth i've come to realize,
is that i'm becoming a fool. 
i try to be someone i think people want me to be
and it just takes me deeper, beneath the rumbling waters
i yearn to be free, but in trying to breathe
i don't find peace.

i say stupid things,
i say them without thinking about how it makes people feel
or what i really mean. 
i just want everything to be alright,
some perfect life.
and since that's what i'll seek,
nothing will i ever find. 

because i know what i need,
and i don't know how to get it. 
i want to know Jesus
i want to seek His face
but i don't know where He is
or what it looks like. 

the truth is,
people suffer in this world,
only i never believed it. 
death was something that happened in books,
and in movies and on the news. 
but it wasn't real life, no siree it was not
and i've been struck by the realization
that i don't understand reality. 
and a sad truth,
that that's all my dreams can ever be.

i don't understand much of anything, 
i hate that i make stupid mistakes.
and it's getting kind of dark in this room,
i keep hitting the wrong letter keys,
but i'm too lazy to turn the light on. 

why am i so empty of hope,
of authenticity,
of the truth of Your love.
i'm listening to a song on repeat, 

i guess the truth is, 
i need Jesus. 
because i'm a mess,
i don't care about anyone but myself,
i try to make sure everything's alright
and i'm never satisfied.
always worrying, over-thinking,
pondering nothing.

He said, 
"the first will be last, the last be first,"
and,
"if anyone should want first place, they should take last place; be the servant of all." 
yet here i sit, 
pushing all thoughts of eternity out of my mind,
i don't know why.

i have to, have to learn
how to love people
because that's the only thing i can do in this world
that's the only reason we're here
because it's not forever,
it's just not, it's just not
even though it's what i've always believed,
it's just not 
i hate it,
how it's like that,
how we can't all be here together 
always
right here. 
and it's hard
it's impossible
and it's not fair and i just don't get it,
i don't understand 

i forgot Your words
You gave me
You said,
"this world has nothing to do with me,"
it's nothing to do with me
nothing to do with me
it's everything to do with Jesus
and loving all the people. 

Jesus, 
be everything. 
please. 

because i don't know how to love
when people need to be loved
because life isn't fair
i see that

Jesus 
we need You.

and you know what.
eternity is forever.
psalm 119 says,
we're a stranger on this earth.

all that matters,
is how we've loved.
Heaven, is real. 
we'll be there. 

John 3:16,
For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.

we skim over truths. i don't want to skim anymore. i want to dwell on them. i want to dwell on this truth. 

[dwell]: to linger over, emphasize, or ponder in thought, speech, or writing (often followed by on  or upon )

4 comments:

  1. this is exactly how i've been feeling for a while. thankyou so much for sharing this, emii, because i read it at just the right time. xoxox

    ReplyDelete
  2. I don't really know exactly how to explain what I'm trying to say right now, but this was really beautiful. *Really* beautiful. And I completely felt it as I read it--it's one of those things you need to read slowly, then go back and reread, just to make sure you soak it all in. A huge thanks for sharing this, like Abbie said.

    ReplyDelete
  3. this post is lovely! Thank you for sharing.. I needed to read that..especially today.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Amazing writing Emii! Your words hold so much truth! I can really relate to this! Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts! :)

    ReplyDelete

comments are fun.